Self-Compassion Drives Sustainable Excellence
“If I’m too kind to myself, it will just mean I get complacent.”
“I’ve just got to lock in and stop being so pathetic.”
Sound familiar?
It does to me.
Sounds like some thoughts I’ve certainly had.
Also, sounds like some sentences I’ve heard in the world of sport…
On the surface, they make sense right?
When you were younger you may have had a mentor or coach who held you accountable by shouting at you, telling you to work harder and never give in.
That might well have worked too.
Helped you to push through a hard time at school, a tough training session, a challenging block of running…
The intentions are often good. To teach a lesson that if you grit your teeth and push through, you can achieve your goals.
Now, I don’t dispute this message.
Sometimes embracing the suck and feeling the pain is the way forwards (at least in the short term).
What I do dispute however, is the utility of applying this approach to the broader self.
Applying the message to your whole being.
Asserting that if you don’t push through, if you have a negative thought, make a mistake or simply don’t succeed immediately, you are entirely a failure.
Someone who should feel shame for not being perfect and successful.
Real resilience, real mental toughness, real “locking in”… the ingredients that allow sustained engagement in high-performance behaviours… is not a matter of being rigid and applying brute force.
It is a matter of learning how to flow and bend and bounce back.
There’s a reason buildings in Japan are made to move and absorb shock.
Because when those frequent earthquakes come…
They need to ebb and flow with the earth.
But, I always want to give you more than just a nice metaphor and example. So, in this blog post I will outline why “locking in” is best done with a slice of self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
Well, I’ll start with: It is NOT letting yourself off the hook.
When people hear self-compassion, they think excuses.
But the research defines it differently…
Kristin Neff (2003) defines self-compassion as having three components (Neff, 2003):
Self-kindness:
Treating ourselves with understanding and support rather than harsh self-criticism.
Common humanity:
Recognising that setbacks, mistakes and suffering are part of the shared human experience rather than something that only happens to us.
Mindfulness:
Holding difficult thoughts and emotions with awareness, without suppressing them or becoming consumed by them.
Self-kindness, not harsh self-criticism. Common humanity, not isolation. Mindfulness, not over-identification with our thoughts and emotions (Neff, 2003).
Self-compassion is not:
“Don’t worry about improving.”
It is instead:
“That didn’t go well. Let’s understand so that we can improve.”
We approach with curiosity not judgement.
We inherently do this with others…
You wouldn’t scream “You’re pathetic!!!” at your friend if they DNF’d a race would you?
You’d analyse…
You’d encourage…
You’d help them improve and come back stronger!
So… the first hit back at the “self-compassion is weakness” crowd is… you’re likely misinterpreting what self-compassion actually means.
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Why does self-compassion actually improve performance?
“If I’m kind to myself… won’t I become soft?”
Well, the evidence is consistently… NO.
Self-compassion is associated with
Less fear of failure
Greater emotional regulation
Quicker recovery after mistakes
Greater persistence
Less burnout
(Ceccarelli et al., 2019; Mosewich et al., 2013; Walton et al., 2020).
The person that makes a mistake… misses a penalty, botches a presentation or fails a race has two challenges.
The external setback.
The internal reaction.
The inner critic, the self-judgement, often only makes mistakes worse.
One becomes two. A bad minute becomes a bad hour. That hour becomes a week of ruminating... (Gilbert & Procter, 2006; Neff, 2003).
With self-compassion, we cut that time.
It’s not about never messing up.
Messing up is inevitable at some point. Even for the best.
Popular example: Federer won 54.1% of his career points. Still has 20 grand slams…
It’s about bouncing back (Mosewich et al., 2013; Ceccarelli et al., 2019).
The buildings in Japan roll with the earth because by flowing with it, they stay standing.
They’re flexible in a way.
Rigidity snaps.
Flexibility adapts.
By John Togasaki - Flickr: Amazing Roger Federer, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=17371576
Why do we resist self-compassion?
The above may seem logical, but you may still resist this.
Let me offer an explanation as to why you may struggle to let go.
Many athletes and high performers believe:
“If I stop beating myself up, I’ll stop succeeding.”
The lens I’ll apply to this is Paul Gilbert’s (2009) Three System’s Model.
The model suggests we have (as the name suggests), three systems:
Threat system:
Deals with survival.
Drive system:
Deals with motivating us towards our goals.
Soothing system:
Helps us to rest and recover.
The threat system is often saying…
That isn’t good enough!
Work harder!
Don’t relax!
Keep proving yourself!
This sounds a lot like Mr. Stop Being Pathetic and Work Harder.
This can be helpful in the short term.
But, when this system becomes our default mode of operating, it can contribute to chronic stress, burnout and reduced mental wellbeing (Gilbert, 2009; Gilbert, 2014).
Compassion isn’t removing standards.
It’s changing our motivation system from threat based to secure striving (Gilbert 2009, 2014).
You can chase excellence without living in fight-or-flight.
This is where many get confused.
They confuse the thing that accompanied their success (the self-criticism that drove their threat system) with the thing that caused it.
Maybe you were self-critical… and successful…
But that doesn’t mean the self-criticism created success.
It may have been along for the ride, steadily increasing anxiety and moving your towards burnout…
In fact, emerging evidence in athletes suggests self-compassion can coexist with high personal standards and may actually buffer against maladaptive perfectionism and burnout (Walton et al., 2020).
What could self-compassion look and sound like?
I’m going to keep this short and sharp.
My note for you is, there is no one size fits all, if you want to really work on this stuff, speak to someone qualified (that’s why this section is titled “what COULD self-compassion sound like?”). That may be someone at FYNX, it may be someone elsewhere. The key thing is, get professional, bespoke support!
Anyway, here’s three practical questions you can ask yourself, and how to frame these:
What happened? - keep this to the facts e.g. “I missed my pacing”, “I didn’t follow my fuelling strategy” NOT “I am useless”, “I can’t do it”
How would I respond if this was my friend? - Create distance. Your brain may respond with an unhelpful thought immediately. We often have automatic negative thoughts after mistakes. We can’t stop these, we can only respond to them (Gilbert, 2009).
What is the next helpful action? - Self-compassion isn’t about feeling better, it’s about functioning better. So, you may decide the next action is: review the footage, speak to your coach, rest, modify your programme…
These three questions take some self-awareness and honesty to answer in a helpful way. But, even by attempting them, you will be learning more about yourself and trending in a more helpful direction than reverting to the self-loathing.
Thank you for reading, I hope some of that resonated with you.
If you didn’t read it all, or have just skipped to the conclusion (like we can often do!). The summary is:
Sustained excellence is not about never making mistakes, never getting upset and winning everyday.
It’s about knowing how to flex and recover, so you continuously bounce back.
And self-compassion is the ultimate bounce-back tool!
Thank you again, I am always grateful for your time.
Have a great week,
Frazer
References
Ceccarelli, L. A., Beauchamp, M. R., & Kwan, M. Y. W. (2019). A meta-analytic review of the relationship between self-compassion and physical activity. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 42, 98–110. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2019.101614
Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind. Constable & Robinson.
Gilbert, P. (2014). The origins and nature of compassion focused therapy. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53(1), 6–41. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12043
Gilbert, P., & Procter, S. (2006). Compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self‐criticism: Overview and pilot study. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 13(6), 353–379. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.507
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Mosewich, A. D., Kowalski, K. C., Sabiston, C. M., Sedgwick, W. A., & Tracy, J. L. (2013). Self-compassion: A potential resource for young women athletes. Journal of Sport & Exercise Psychology, 35(5), 514–524. https://doi.org/10.1123/jsep.35.5.514
Walton, C. C., Baranoff, J., Gilbert, P., & Kirby, J. N. (2020). Self-compassion, social rank, and psychological distress in athletes. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 47, 101648. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2019.101648
